Life in limbo.

When talks of the federal budget, and possible cuts that were to made to it, were all over the news this spring, I didn't really pay attention. Yes, I'm ashamed-- I am such a bad citizen, I should be as familiar with the current federal budget as I am with the details of Kim Kardashian's engagement ring! But you get busy, and life takes over, and Us Weekly is just a little more enticing to read after a long day than www.senate.gov.


And then I realize: wait, aren't I applying for a program that's fully funded by the United States government?


Oh.


So for those of you inquiring, ever so kindly, as to whether or not I have heard anything from the Peace Corps: yes I did hear something, and no it wasn't quite what I wanted. After submitting an updated resume and additional volunteer experience to the Business Placement office, I received the email that so many applicants are getting right now: the Peace Corps experienced budget cuts, a lot of programs were cancelled for 2011, and you may not be able to depart until 2012. I wasn't exactly surprised to receive this email, but I wasn't thrilled, either. I started my application process in February 2010! If I leave next year it'll be a 2 year process. I've gone through so much in this application process that I think a delay would kill me. The recruiter asked in the email if I would not be able to leave in 2012, and I responded and said that while I'd rather wait until 2012 than not be able to join the Peace Corps at all, due to personal circumstances such as my job and housing, a 2011 departure-- which I was originally nominated for-- would be ideal for me. Additionally, I asked them to consider my applicant qualifications when deciding who to grant the remaining few invitations to this year; not to sound self-important, but as a 29-year-old with 7+ years of real-world business experience, I think I'm a little more qualified for a business volunteer position than some kid fresh out of college who happens to have a business degree.


I wasn't expecting to hear anything from them for weeks, but fortunately the placement assistant emailed me on Friday to say she had completed the preliminary review of my file and just needed me to re-write an essay, which I am working on later tonight. Once I submit that, my file will go to a placement officer (the final step!) so I am hoping that's a good sign and that I might still possibly be able to depart this fall.


Fortunately, I am not alone in my predicament, and I have been commiserating online with a lot of fellow applicants who are also staring down the barrel of a possible delay. Everyone's blog I read seems to indicate that they're getting the same email; also, it seems like most of the people getting the September departures are those who were actually trying to leave in June/July/August. Obama said he wanted to double the Peace Corps by its 50th Anniversary, which was this year. Needless to say, that did not happen. (Fun fact: the number of Peace Corps volunteers now is about half of what it was in the 60s, when the program was launched.)


I have to count my blessings, though. While I sit out and wait to hear from the Peace Corps, I at least have a wonderful home to live in, and (for now) a job that I can do remotely. My mom's garden has exploded in lush summer color, with riots of pink from the peonies and roses-- my favorites. The bumblebees are in heaven as they buzz around the flower bush in front of our door, and the butterflies flutter peacefully around the backyard. I can sit on the back porch and absorb some sunshine while I eat lunch, and instead of an afternoon Starbucks break I can take our dog outside to play fetch for a few minutes. The fact that I am, above all, a very fortunate person, is not lost on me.


Friday evening after work I went trail running at Shelburne Farms, possibly my favorite place on earth. I worked here every summer in college, and it was here that I fell in love with getting lost in the winding forest trails, and where I learned to appreciate food that has been dug up from the ground just hours before eating. I hadn't gone running at Shelburne Farms in years, but I decided on Friday it was too beautiful not to. So I went, and chased the setting sun through the woods and meadows, getting myself lost and soaking my shoes with the remnants of the day's rainstorm. I didn't see a single other soul on the trails, except for the quietly grazing Brown Swiss cows and the little brown bunnies that chased ahead of me. A smile crept over my face as I set off, and it did not leave until I finished my run just as the dark was coming. I ran those trails and thought of my 18-year-old self, the summer before I was to set off to college, winding my way through the forest as I listened to my running mixtape on my walkman (I know). It was on these runs that I dreamed of my adulthood and wondered what it would turn out to be. My life that summer seemed to be so imbued with promise and possibility, that youthful spark that comes from the closing of one chapter in one's life and the opening of another. As I re-contemplate the direction of my life 11 years later, I am comforted knowing that I haven't fully lost that feeling. I still think about how my life will turn out, albeit with a little more reality. I still have dreams, some of them wild and never-to-be-realized. But I'm still young enough to know that there are more adventures out there waiting for me.

View of Shelburne Farms looking across the meadows to the lake.

A month in the countryside

Cute little neighbor cow.

It’s now been just over a month since I officially moved out of New York, and it’s hard to believe how much my life has changed in just a short period of time. I’ve given up my apartment in a Manhattan doorman building, my fancy gym membership and my other NYC luxuries like delivered groceries and dry cleaning, and I’ve traded it all in for bucolic pastures, beautiful lake sunsets, and quiet solitude in my parents’ house in the Vermont countryside. The night I arrived I walked outside to stare at the sky for a while—it was like I’d forgotten that the sky could have that many stars.

The actual move and subsequent unpacking was difficult and trying—as all moves are, yes, but this one had the added component of packing up 7 years of my NYC life, and putting things into boxes that I may not open up for years. I was too busy and overwhelmed to really focus on getting rid of any possessions before moving, so that became my project during the 5 vacation days I took before officially starting to work remotely. I wasn’t expecting that part to be so difficult or time consuming, but I was faced with a monumental amount of stuff acquired through jobs that gifted me with clothes, CDs, or kitchenware, as well as a tendency to want to save everything. The extent of my collection never fully hit me until now, but once I got everything unloaded from the truck and brought in the house, I suddenly felt liberated enough to start getting rid of things right and left. I donated about 1/3 of my clothes to a local charity shop, and I sifted through mountains of papers and cooking magazines to select only things that were truly necessary to save. Old tax returns and credit card statements from 3 years ago went into the woodstove in our garage, magazines were cherrypicked only for the recipes I really wanted and then sent to recycling, and although it pained me as a true environmentalist, many things went in the trash.  I also spent  a good deal of time going through all the things I had kept in my bedroom at home and that never made it to New York with me—photo albums, yearbooks, letters and more. Things got painful when I’d happen across something and embarrassing or regretful memories came up, and I realized that essentially going through your life’s possessions is a process that’s riddled with landmines; memory bombs that go off when you least expect it. I cringed when I read clippings of the music column I wrote for my school newspaper— “I wrote that?” I’d think to myself, groaning. “What must my professors have thought?” 

But undertaking this process also brought a tremendous sense of unburdening; a lightening of my life’s load that I knew I needed but had always been too afraid to do. It was almost like I needed the permission to get rid of things, and my potential Peace Corps deployment brought that. Even though I’m still not sure if I’m going to  be invited yet, in terms of my possessions I’m acting as though I’m in. Because even if I don’t end up going, I know I needed this paring down of my life in order to make the fresh start I need, whatever shape it may take.

After that solid week of sifting through absolutely everything in my life, I’ve just about finished. My bedroom finally became habitable, and save for a few piles of bags and papers that I need to finish dealing with, I essentially feel like I’ve completed it and can get on with my summer.  I also spent 2 weeks traveling at the end of May, visiting a client in San Francisco, friends and family in LA, and then spent 10 days in New York to get some face time with my colleagues at the office. It was unbelievably weird to be back in NYC just a few weeks after moving, but not actually be living there. I was cat-sitting for a friend and staying in her downtown apartment while she was out of the country, and it felt so strange to not have a NYC home base.  In general, I feel like my life is in limbo right now, and it’s a strange feeling to have. But I am fortunate that I have a roof over my head and plenty to keep myself busy with while I wait for Peace Corps to finally give me an answer.

An update there: everyone keeps asking me if I’ve heard from Peace Corps yet, and the answer is no. But what I did hear is that I am medically cleared for service—yay! This means my appeal worked and I am no longer medically deferred. So now that I’ve been medically cleared, my file is off to the placement office for the final review. I’m nervous and anxious about this because it’s the last part. Also, I’ve been hearing some rumblings on various other Peace Corps applicant blogs that programs have been cut for 2011 due to federal budget woes, and some people who are getting invitations to serve right now are getting them for April 2012 placements! What will I do with myself from September to April if that happens to me? But I guess I really can’t worry about it until I actually know something.

Finally, a friend of mine sent me an email with something that really resonated with me in regards to this giant life change I’m making. I know I will take a beating from some people about posting this, but what she sent me was a quote from Oprah from her last show (I know, I know). Make fun of me if you want, but her words sum up exactly why I am embarking on this journey, and I felt heartened when I read it. What she said was:

“Your real job in life is to figure out what your calling is, and then do it…. Start embracing the life that is calling you, and use your life to serve the world…. Take responsibility for your life... You are responsible for the energy you create for yourself and the energy you bring to others.”

Ultimately, this is exactly why I am applying to become a Peace Corps volunteer. I need to start embracing the life that is calling me.