18 days and counting

Where has the time gone? That's really all I can say as I look at my blog posts from summer, reminders that I pitifully haven't updated this at all since August. After a summer of agonized waiting, finally getting my Peace Corps invitation brought about such a wave of relief and satisfaction that I sort of felt it necessary to take a break from this. And then there just became too much to say, and the idea of updating became daunting. So now that I am finally doing this, be forewarned: this is long.

When I got my invitation I was in the midst of trying to figure out what to do with my life during the waiting time pre-departure, because I already knew I wouldn't be leaving until 2012. I already had an agreement with my job that I would leave in September (because that's when I thought I'd be departing for Peace Corps), but with my revised departure date of 2/28/12, I suddenly had 6 months to kill. I got a great part-time opportunity (thanks to Tanya and Angela!) to do some freelance work updating FoodNetwork.com while they worked on filling a job vacancy, and I could do that remotely from Vermont. I was also able to go back to my very favorite place on earth, Shelburne Farms, for some cooking work during September and early October, and that was fantastically fun and exhilarating to be able to get away from a computer and get in the kitchen again. But the restaurant is seasonal, and the FN job was filled by October, so I had to find something for October onwards. By some stroke of luck or kismet, my former Food Network colleague Allison happened to be reading this very blog via one of my Facebook links, and she saw my earlier plea for ideas on how to fill my time. And so because of that, I got another offer to come back to Food Network once again (thanks Allison and Deb!), this time back in the New York office, my old stomping grounds, to cover for Allison's job while she went on maternity leave from October until February. The timing could not have been more perfect given my situation, but I was hesitant at first about going back to New York. I felt like I had already said my goodbyes to the city and had some closure. I also was worried about where I'd live and if I could save any money while there. And frankly, I had left New York and spent the summer/fall in Vermont for a reason, because I thought it would help me transition into the Peace Corps lifestyle a little better. (Going from Manhattan to rural Africa would be a pretty huge shock, but rural Vermont to rural Africa? Not as huge.) Ultimately I decided to take the job, because I decided that it was going to be the best opportunity that would come my way. And I wouldn't need a car if I went back to New York, which would have been an issue if I'd tried to stay in Vermont and work. Additionally, because I'd be working for a company where I'd previously worked for 4 years, I knew it wouldn't be as daunting as going into a brand-new environment where I would have to learn the business and the culture from scratch, and then have to turn around and leave.

I figured it would be a snap to go back to New York, a city where I had lived for 7 years and already had a strong support network of friends. But I won't lie, being back in NYC was much harder than I expected. I thought it would be all lighthearted fun and spending more quality time with friends; that it would be easy and chill since I had already packed up my apartment and left my stressful job-- I had done all the difficult stuff already. But I was very wrong. The biggest stressor was housing: I hadn't expected it to be so tough to find a 3-month sublet for someone like me, but there I found myself, bouncing from housesit to sublet to housesit, until I realized I had moved 5 times in 3 months. I also became deathly ill for nearly the entire month of December, was spending way too much money on going out and buying things for Peace Corps, and then stressing out about how I was going to pay off my credit card before leaving. The final blow came was when I was kicked out of apartment #4 for inadvertently breaking co-op rules by subletting my friend's apartment. I once again started to look for a new place, but was just so defeated by the whole ordeal that I said to myself, "I just can't." I found a friend's place that I could sublet until mid-January, and then made an arrangement with my boss that I could finish up the job remotely from Vermont. Ultimately, I think it worked out for the best in the end. My fears about transitioning to Peace Corps from NYC became even more acute, and the longer I spent there, the more detached I felt from my upcoming giant reality change. How can you prepare yourself for a slow-paced life in rural Madagascar, in a town that probably doesn't have electricity or running water, when you have 24 hour Duane Reade on the corner and your reality embodies the very idea of the New York minute? I found myself in a weird headspace-- I was trying to not have too much fun in New York, but also trying not to look forward to Peace Corps too much lest it (god forbid) not happen for some reason. Towards the end of my time I loosened up a bit and just went balls-out with restaurants, bars, socializing, the works. I felt like if I really burned myself out socially, it would help me embrace a slower-paced lifestyle. I'm paying for it now (hello, Amex), but I think it helped me go out with a bang and really feel like I could say my goodbye to New York.

Now I'm ensconced in the quiet Vermont countryside, where my big outing involves a trip to the grocery store, and I am generally practicing what it will be like to not have my friends quite so available. That was another concern I had about being in New York, that I was relying on my friends too much when I'd soon not be able to talk to them more than once a month. So this time in Vermont is allowing me a gradual draw-down of my connectivity, and a ramping up of my level of independence and self sufficiency. I'm able to spend time packing thoroughly and thoughtfully, take care of loose ends like a 401k rollover and obtaining property insurance, and also spend time with my parents. I'm also carefully packing up the last bits of my current life, paring down my belongings and saying goodbye to things I won't see for 2+ years, until all I'm left with are two packed bags and a drawer full of old clothes that I can wear until I throw them out before I hop on the plane.

So here we are, 2012, which seemed so foreboding and far away just 6 months ago. I was so adamant about not wanting to depart for Peace Corps in 2012, because it seemed light years away and I was worried the delay would derail me from my path. But six months later, I'm still here and on track, and parts of me are even wishing for a bit more time before I go. We finally got our travel information, and on Sunday 2/26 I leave for Washington, DC where we have 2 days of staging with our whole group, and then on 2/28 we all board a plane for Johannesburg. After an overnight there, we take another flight to Madagascar on March 1st. And then the adventure begins.

At long last!

After my call with Peace Corps placement on July 28th, I was expecting to receive some news about an invitation within days, as most people seem to do after that call. But a week passed, and then 2 weeks, and I began to get worried that I was being pushed to the bottom of the stack. I sent a desperate email to my recruiter, and she advised me to send an email to the placement office to ask if I was transferred to another placement officer or something. I did that Tuesday-- and lo and behold, last night I got an email from my original placement officer saying that she'd call me tomorrow (aka today.)

This morning my mom told me that at noon, Vermont Public Radio was running a story about the 50th anniversary of the Peace Corps, and talking about the fact that Vermont has the highest number of returned Peace Corps volunteers per capita than every other state. As I was listening I thought, how funny would it be if my placement officer called right now? And just like that, I saw a 202 phone number appear on my cell phone! It was indeed her, calling with a couple follow-up questions (to confirm I'd be ok serving in a Muslim country, that I'd be ok not being open about being Jewish, and that I am willing to learn a local language in addition to French.) I said yes to everything*, and then she said that she is inviting me to serve as a small business development volunteer in Francophone Africa, departing in February 2012! I did a little dance and an internal squeal, and thanked her profusely. I won't know the actual country until I get the physical invitation in the mail next week, but I am incredibly happy because it's exactly what I wanted to do-- just 5 months later than I was hoping for. 

At this point, knowing about my posting is a relief more than anything else. The past 4 months have been excruciating as I waited for placement to contact  me, but the past 3 weeks have been absolutely horrific. I kept having dreams that I'd be delayed for a year or that I wouldn't get an invite, and every day that passed after that call without hearing from my placement officer made me continually question my self-worth and suitability as a volunteer. So to know when and (sort of) where I will be going will go a long way to putting my mind at ease. I will have a country update next week!


So now the question really becomes about what to do with my time between now and February? Unfortunately my job is ending at the end of the month, and although I have some work lined up, one is a seasonal cooking job that ends in mid-October, and the other is freelance work for my old company (Food Network) which I am not sure how long it will last. One thing I've been thinking about doing is applying to be a WWOOF volunteer on a farm in France, maybe for a month, where I could work on my French before leaving. Apparently I will need to learn an indigenous language even though I'll be in a French-speaking country, so I want my French to be as good as possible before I leave for Peace Corps. But I do still need to make more money before I leave, even though I have now (finally!) paid off all my credit card debt and saved a decent chunk of change for traveling within Africa during my vacations. What job would hire me for 3 months? Maybe I could find a temp thing... let me know if anyone has ideas! I am open to pretty much any location, but if it's an expensive city to live in (like NYC), I would need to be making a good amount of money... 

*The part about not talking about being Jewish is somewhat difficult for me, because it's not that am ashamed of my faith and identity. It's that I recognize that in order to become a Peace Corps volunteer (which is a manifestation of my commitment to chesed and tikkun olam), I will need to not talk openly about being Jewish. In essence, in order to practice my faith, I will need to pretend that I am not. Ideally this would not be an issue, but according to my placement officer, it is pretty necessary to serve as a volunteer in Africa.

(wo)man plans, god laughs.

I've been a "planner" my whole life- relentlessly envisioning and planning for months or even years ahead- but it's something I've been trying to rid myself of in the past few years. And if the Peace Corps process has taught me anything, it's that you can plan as much as you want, but you also need to anticipate 180 degree changes in those plans. Case in point: I found out Thursday on my call with placement that I will definitely not be leaving until 2012, most likely in February or March. I knew that I was delayed from my original September nomination, but I was hopeful that I could still leave in 2011, or January if I had to wait till 2012. But February or March? That's painfully close to a rather ominous birthday that I was hoping to be out of the country for.

The actual call with the placement officer was pretty good-- I talked about my desire to use my business background to make a difference, on how I could apply my skills to small businesses in developing countries. She asked me a lot about my feelings on being Jewish in a country where I might encounter a lot of anti-Semitism, or not actually be able to say that I'm Jewish (my answer was that I'd be comfortable not self-identifying as Jewish if that was for the best, but I'd prefer not to serve in the Middle East/Northern Africa due to my connections with Israel, which, if they came to light, could put me in danger if someone misinterpreted them as being extreme Zionism.) At the end of the call, I asked the question I was desperate to ask but dreading hearing the answer to: when could I expect to leave, and what could I expect to be doing, given the Peace Corps budgets cuts? Her answer gave me the aforementioned 2012 timeline, but also the news that I might not even be able to serve as a business volunteer-- I may only be qualified as an English teacher. Really, an English teacher, despite the fact that I've had 7+ years of real-world business experience? Yes, she said, and gave some examples of projects that require skills such as accounting, which I don't have. I begrudgingly said that I understood, but also said that given that I'll be taking 2 years out of my career, I'd much rather do it to be a business volunteer so that at least the time is somewhat contextual to my goals in life. I can't see it looking that great on a resume to see someone dropping off the career ladder to teach English for 2 years. I want to use my time in the Peace Corps as a springboard for pursuing an MBA and transitioning to a career path focused on promoting sustainable businesses around the world as a way to enhance living conditions without aid [again, me with the planning]. Would teaching English put me on this track? I'm not sure. She did also remind me that the actual project I end up working on could be totally different from what I am nominated for-- I could end up getting to a village to work on business development, and then they could say their greatest need is help rebuilding a school. So that was a good reminder that again, you can plan however much you want, but you can't plan for everything.

The other question I asked was about location, and if I could at least get my requested destination if I had to wait until 2012. Unfortunately, I didn't get the answer that I wanted there either. Apparently, due to my medical conditions I'm restricted from serving in many French-speaking African countries, and there are only a handful that I could serve in. This was heartbreaking because the nurse assured me there would only be a few countries I couldn't serve in. So the chances of me serving in Africa, in a Francophone country, are low. Once again, heartbreaking: I've been reading about Africa, studying businesses and social enterprises there- I have been doing everything with the idea that that's where I'd hopefully end up. I have a French language background so why wouldn't they send me there? But I decided that I've made it this far in the process that I won't not take an assignment just because it's not my ideal location. I can go, and if it's awful and I hate it, I can always leave. But something tells me that probably won't happen.

Now this brings me to the question of: what to do with my life between now and then? My current job is ending in mid/late September, and unfortunately I need to keep making money before I depart. I'd love to spend the time traveling, but I don't have a bottomless pit of funds. Ideally I could freelance remotely for a company, which would allow me to live somewhere and still make money. My dream is to spend about a month in Paris, renting an apartment and working while there, so if I could find a freelance gig that would let me do it, it'd be a dream come true. And, the silver lining to this whole thing is that I can go to my very close friend's wedding in October, which I was going to have to miss. As of now, my tentative plan is:

Now until October: continue working for my current job, in Vermont. I want to plan 1-2 more trips to NYC.

October: traveling and visits from friends! My parents are going out of the country so I can have some friends come to Vermont for a weekend. I have a wedding in California on 10/14, so I want to plan an LA visit around then. And, it looks like there might be an opportunity for me to go to London in October and stay with a friend for free, so if it works out I'd ideally stay longer and visit St Andrews for a day or so, and then go to Paris.

November: it's a pipe dream, but I'd really love to spend the month of November in Paris. No it's not the most beautiful time to be there, but I could hopefully rent an apartment for a month and work while there, and spend my time improving my French and doing a bit of traveling.

December: not sure... one idea I have is to apply to work at Kalani, the yoga retreat in Hawaii where my brother just spent 3 months. You do a "co-op" type thing where you pay about $1000 for a month for room and board, and you work about 10-20 hours a week. In exchange you get unlimited yoga classes and the experience of living in paradise.

January: I'm going to apply to staff a Birthright Israel trip, which a few of my friends have done and loved. I'd like to stay for another week and see some friends, plus see places that I've never been to, like Haifa and Caesarea. 

(Other things I'd love to do- just throwing it out there: work on a polo farm in Argentina. Work at a winery in France. Travel to Thailand and lose myself on the beaches. Go back to Greece and observe the insanity going on there now.)

Who knows if any of this will work out, and perhaps something will come along to keep me busy and employed between now and then. I'm not sure if I would move back to New York-- it's hard to be there and save money, but it depends if I find a great opportunity or an affordable place to stay. So if anyone hears of any cool opportunities, let me know! At this point, I'm pretty open to anything. I realized that this is probably the only time in my life when I will have this kind of untethered time, so I'd like to take advantage of it. And as a good friend of mine said to me in a very heartwarming text message, perhaps there's a reason my Peace Corps service is delayed-- perhaps something important is supposed to happen to me in this time period. At this point, I don't know, but I've got hope.

Life in limbo.

When talks of the federal budget, and possible cuts that were to made to it, were all over the news this spring, I didn't really pay attention. Yes, I'm ashamed-- I am such a bad citizen, I should be as familiar with the current federal budget as I am with the details of Kim Kardashian's engagement ring! But you get busy, and life takes over, and Us Weekly is just a little more enticing to read after a long day than www.senate.gov.


And then I realize: wait, aren't I applying for a program that's fully funded by the United States government?


Oh.


So for those of you inquiring, ever so kindly, as to whether or not I have heard anything from the Peace Corps: yes I did hear something, and no it wasn't quite what I wanted. After submitting an updated resume and additional volunteer experience to the Business Placement office, I received the email that so many applicants are getting right now: the Peace Corps experienced budget cuts, a lot of programs were cancelled for 2011, and you may not be able to depart until 2012. I wasn't exactly surprised to receive this email, but I wasn't thrilled, either. I started my application process in February 2010! If I leave next year it'll be a 2 year process. I've gone through so much in this application process that I think a delay would kill me. The recruiter asked in the email if I would not be able to leave in 2012, and I responded and said that while I'd rather wait until 2012 than not be able to join the Peace Corps at all, due to personal circumstances such as my job and housing, a 2011 departure-- which I was originally nominated for-- would be ideal for me. Additionally, I asked them to consider my applicant qualifications when deciding who to grant the remaining few invitations to this year; not to sound self-important, but as a 29-year-old with 7+ years of real-world business experience, I think I'm a little more qualified for a business volunteer position than some kid fresh out of college who happens to have a business degree.


I wasn't expecting to hear anything from them for weeks, but fortunately the placement assistant emailed me on Friday to say she had completed the preliminary review of my file and just needed me to re-write an essay, which I am working on later tonight. Once I submit that, my file will go to a placement officer (the final step!) so I am hoping that's a good sign and that I might still possibly be able to depart this fall.


Fortunately, I am not alone in my predicament, and I have been commiserating online with a lot of fellow applicants who are also staring down the barrel of a possible delay. Everyone's blog I read seems to indicate that they're getting the same email; also, it seems like most of the people getting the September departures are those who were actually trying to leave in June/July/August. Obama said he wanted to double the Peace Corps by its 50th Anniversary, which was this year. Needless to say, that did not happen. (Fun fact: the number of Peace Corps volunteers now is about half of what it was in the 60s, when the program was launched.)


I have to count my blessings, though. While I sit out and wait to hear from the Peace Corps, I at least have a wonderful home to live in, and (for now) a job that I can do remotely. My mom's garden has exploded in lush summer color, with riots of pink from the peonies and roses-- my favorites. The bumblebees are in heaven as they buzz around the flower bush in front of our door, and the butterflies flutter peacefully around the backyard. I can sit on the back porch and absorb some sunshine while I eat lunch, and instead of an afternoon Starbucks break I can take our dog outside to play fetch for a few minutes. The fact that I am, above all, a very fortunate person, is not lost on me.


Friday evening after work I went trail running at Shelburne Farms, possibly my favorite place on earth. I worked here every summer in college, and it was here that I fell in love with getting lost in the winding forest trails, and where I learned to appreciate food that has been dug up from the ground just hours before eating. I hadn't gone running at Shelburne Farms in years, but I decided on Friday it was too beautiful not to. So I went, and chased the setting sun through the woods and meadows, getting myself lost and soaking my shoes with the remnants of the day's rainstorm. I didn't see a single other soul on the trails, except for the quietly grazing Brown Swiss cows and the little brown bunnies that chased ahead of me. A smile crept over my face as I set off, and it did not leave until I finished my run just as the dark was coming. I ran those trails and thought of my 18-year-old self, the summer before I was to set off to college, winding my way through the forest as I listened to my running mixtape on my walkman (I know). It was on these runs that I dreamed of my adulthood and wondered what it would turn out to be. My life that summer seemed to be so imbued with promise and possibility, that youthful spark that comes from the closing of one chapter in one's life and the opening of another. As I re-contemplate the direction of my life 11 years later, I am comforted knowing that I haven't fully lost that feeling. I still think about how my life will turn out, albeit with a little more reality. I still have dreams, some of them wild and never-to-be-realized. But I'm still young enough to know that there are more adventures out there waiting for me.

View of Shelburne Farms looking across the meadows to the lake.

A month in the countryside

Cute little neighbor cow.

It’s now been just over a month since I officially moved out of New York, and it’s hard to believe how much my life has changed in just a short period of time. I’ve given up my apartment in a Manhattan doorman building, my fancy gym membership and my other NYC luxuries like delivered groceries and dry cleaning, and I’ve traded it all in for bucolic pastures, beautiful lake sunsets, and quiet solitude in my parents’ house in the Vermont countryside. The night I arrived I walked outside to stare at the sky for a while—it was like I’d forgotten that the sky could have that many stars.

The actual move and subsequent unpacking was difficult and trying—as all moves are, yes, but this one had the added component of packing up 7 years of my NYC life, and putting things into boxes that I may not open up for years. I was too busy and overwhelmed to really focus on getting rid of any possessions before moving, so that became my project during the 5 vacation days I took before officially starting to work remotely. I wasn’t expecting that part to be so difficult or time consuming, but I was faced with a monumental amount of stuff acquired through jobs that gifted me with clothes, CDs, or kitchenware, as well as a tendency to want to save everything. The extent of my collection never fully hit me until now, but once I got everything unloaded from the truck and brought in the house, I suddenly felt liberated enough to start getting rid of things right and left. I donated about 1/3 of my clothes to a local charity shop, and I sifted through mountains of papers and cooking magazines to select only things that were truly necessary to save. Old tax returns and credit card statements from 3 years ago went into the woodstove in our garage, magazines were cherrypicked only for the recipes I really wanted and then sent to recycling, and although it pained me as a true environmentalist, many things went in the trash.  I also spent  a good deal of time going through all the things I had kept in my bedroom at home and that never made it to New York with me—photo albums, yearbooks, letters and more. Things got painful when I’d happen across something and embarrassing or regretful memories came up, and I realized that essentially going through your life’s possessions is a process that’s riddled with landmines; memory bombs that go off when you least expect it. I cringed when I read clippings of the music column I wrote for my school newspaper— “I wrote that?” I’d think to myself, groaning. “What must my professors have thought?” 

But undertaking this process also brought a tremendous sense of unburdening; a lightening of my life’s load that I knew I needed but had always been too afraid to do. It was almost like I needed the permission to get rid of things, and my potential Peace Corps deployment brought that. Even though I’m still not sure if I’m going to  be invited yet, in terms of my possessions I’m acting as though I’m in. Because even if I don’t end up going, I know I needed this paring down of my life in order to make the fresh start I need, whatever shape it may take.

After that solid week of sifting through absolutely everything in my life, I’ve just about finished. My bedroom finally became habitable, and save for a few piles of bags and papers that I need to finish dealing with, I essentially feel like I’ve completed it and can get on with my summer.  I also spent 2 weeks traveling at the end of May, visiting a client in San Francisco, friends and family in LA, and then spent 10 days in New York to get some face time with my colleagues at the office. It was unbelievably weird to be back in NYC just a few weeks after moving, but not actually be living there. I was cat-sitting for a friend and staying in her downtown apartment while she was out of the country, and it felt so strange to not have a NYC home base.  In general, I feel like my life is in limbo right now, and it’s a strange feeling to have. But I am fortunate that I have a roof over my head and plenty to keep myself busy with while I wait for Peace Corps to finally give me an answer.

An update there: everyone keeps asking me if I’ve heard from Peace Corps yet, and the answer is no. But what I did hear is that I am medically cleared for service—yay! This means my appeal worked and I am no longer medically deferred. So now that I’ve been medically cleared, my file is off to the placement office for the final review. I’m nervous and anxious about this because it’s the last part. Also, I’ve been hearing some rumblings on various other Peace Corps applicant blogs that programs have been cut for 2011 due to federal budget woes, and some people who are getting invitations to serve right now are getting them for April 2012 placements! What will I do with myself from September to April if that happens to me? But I guess I really can’t worry about it until I actually know something.

Finally, a friend of mine sent me an email with something that really resonated with me in regards to this giant life change I’m making. I know I will take a beating from some people about posting this, but what she sent me was a quote from Oprah from her last show (I know, I know). Make fun of me if you want, but her words sum up exactly why I am embarking on this journey, and I felt heartened when I read it. What she said was:

“Your real job in life is to figure out what your calling is, and then do it…. Start embracing the life that is calling you, and use your life to serve the world…. Take responsibility for your life... You are responsible for the energy you create for yourself and the energy you bring to others.”

Ultimately, this is exactly why I am applying to become a Peace Corps volunteer. I need to start embracing the life that is calling me.